I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
