So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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