Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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