"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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