I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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