I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
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