did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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