he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
