took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
birth control should be required to get into college
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
