I think im going to throw up on grandma
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
