I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
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I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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