I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
