i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
