dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
