Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
