I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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