Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
My thoughts exactly.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.