Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing