instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom