i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
