she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
