I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
