Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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