You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize