you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
