just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
