My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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