My friends, they love my intelligence
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Randomize
