She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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