She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
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I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
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I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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