Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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