I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
