My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
