the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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