He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
