I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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