Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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