i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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