Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
