it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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