Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
