Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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