i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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