There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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