I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
