how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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