my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
