The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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