I swear she didn't look like that last week.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
