I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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