Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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