i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Ladies don't puke and tell
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
