I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
