the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
