wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
