I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
