My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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