She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
