Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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