if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
