I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize