You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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