Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
