Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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