I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
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Church boner. Awkwardddd
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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