That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
