Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Randomize
